my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
You're breaking my sexual little heart
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
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