People with herpes should wear stickers.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
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