There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize
