i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Randomize
