just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Randomize
