Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"