she's into porn, im staying here tonight
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
25 Disturbing Facts That Will Make You Question Everything
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
31 People Admit To Nasty Things They Do On The Reg
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?