Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
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