sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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