just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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