I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
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