the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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