I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
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