I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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