can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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