I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Randomize
