well I can't set my house on fire every night
Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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