i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Randomize
