I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
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