her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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