Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Randomize
