its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
