At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
Randomize
