We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
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