May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
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