I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
Randomize
