i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
Randomize
