there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
