Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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