there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
