The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
