Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
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