Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
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