Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
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