At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
