I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
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