I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Randomize
