I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Randomize
