i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
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You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
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His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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