If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
