You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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