When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Randomize
