guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
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