Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Randomize
