peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
