half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Randomize
