he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I pour the whiskey from now on
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
I think people are normalizing furries
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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