Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
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