Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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