Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
don't judge my taste in strippers
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
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