Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
