I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
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