I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
