Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Randomize
