Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
whose parrot is this?
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
