i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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