Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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