A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Randomize
