Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
