I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Randomize
