our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
